October 14th, 2002

My eyes

For all of you that don't care...don't bother reading this..

I live in fear...and wait of the next bad thing to happen...that is not how life should be lived...Not wanting to get attached to anything...because I know that it is just going to leave me, as soon as it gets the chance. Being unhappy for so long I have began to think that maybe this is all that I am going to feel....I need help. I thought that I was strong enough to get through it...but 2 divorces in 5 months has become to much for me to handle...there have been few nights that I have not cried. And if you think that I am making this all up, then fuck you...because I am not.
You come to me...because your boyfriend/Girlfriend broke up with you and now you think that you want to kill yourself. Do you know what I would do to be in your place? I have something that is so empty inside me....
I smile and still people see through it...they ask me what is wrong...i say nothing..because I don't know if I can trust them and tell them what is wrong. You say "awww I am so sorry" but are you really? To be honest most of the sorries that I hear I do not think that they mean it...they just have nothing else to say. I think that all the time people are making fun of me...and talking about me. I would not wish this pain on anyone...ever.
I am now going to see the school counselor on a weekly basis, this is my last resort. I wish that I had hope that is will work. But all my hope is gone...honestly it is. I guess we will see how it goes. I have seen him once...and things went ok...I cried the whole time. Not being able to trust anything is so hard, and I think will be the hardest thing to gain back. I have gone on to long feeling this way. I just fear that I will not be able to do this on my own. I have been told that, that is the only way that it can be done. What if I am not strong enough.
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